Written by: Paula Drouin, Founder and Director ADR International Group Inc. and ADR Learning Institute
What does love and fear have to do with conflict and its resolution?
"Confusion is when you know what the right decision is but you wish it was something else."
What difference does it make? We are constantly creating the life we are experiencing, whether we are doing so consciously or not. Those big life decisions most often come down to a decision between two choices. One choice being fear based and the other love based. As an example, imagine you are not being treated well at work, and you are unhappy. Do you choose to stay out of a fear of being unemployed, or do you choose to stay because you love the work and the people who report to you? Or do you choose to leave because you are worried about your health, or do you choose to leave out of love for self and a work-life balance.
We often don’t realize the choices we make come down to a choice between love and fear. In the absence of making a conscious decision, the human brain default is often fear based. Our brains are wired to be risk averse to keep us safe. However, in modern times fighting or fleeing when conflict arises does not serve you well unless your life is in danger. So how do you override the brains preference and choose from your heart for the love of self and a little bit of harmony?
A great place to start is by learning to listen to the wisdom of your head and the wisdom of your heart.
Know yourself first. Consult with both then make a decision. You can do this by answering the questions in the table below.
"Conflict is the tension created by two mutually exclusive choices"
| Ask Your Head | Ask Your Heart |
|---|---|
| What do you think the perfect solution is? | What do you feel the perfect solution is? |
| What needs get met if your solution is chosen? | What needs get met if your solution is chosen? |
| What would the long-term impact of choosing your solution be? | What would the long-term impact of choosing your solution be? |
| What needs won’t get met if your solution is chosen? | What needs won’t get met if your solution is chosen? |
| Is there a solution that would meet your needs and the needs of your heart? | Is there a solution that would meet your needs and the needs of your head? |
© Paula Drouin 2018 based on questioning methods from Nissim Amon
To move past being stuck in mutually exclusive choices, expand the choices. This can be done by creating a list of values that when met makes it easy to implement the decision. Then select the choice that meets the majority of those needs, or at least the highest priority needs.
As an example, let’s explore the imagined work situation mentioned earlier. When you explore what needs you want met from your head’s perspective it could be financial security, job security, contributing to your field of expertise. Then from your heart’s perspective you want supportive working relationships, a fun stress-free work environment, where your input is valued and acknowledged. Once you know what you are really fighting for, you can try to create that in your current workplace, or you can use the list as your criteria when searching for a new employer.
This content, and so much more, is covered in our Comfort in Conflict course currently scheduled for delivery in January, April and September 2026.
Make loving choices for yourself and those who matter to you in 2026. If you would like some help to learn how to do that in conflict situations, check out our courses.
