By: Anita Veldhuisen Slomp, Instructor with ADR Learning Institute
Sounds like a peculiar riddle, doesn’t it? I believe the answer can be found in a quote by Ursula K Le Guin, which says, “Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; re-made all the time, made new.”
Intrigued?
In the email signature from an upcoming student to the ADR Learning Institute, is the quote from Paola Freire, an educational philosopher from Brazil: “Love is at the same time the foundation of dialogue and dialogue itself.”
This combination of words and ideas was an invitation for me to go down the Freire rabbit hole. The disappearance of the next few hours–during which I only skimmed the surface of the brilliance of Freire–was well worth it.
Among other things, Freire was known for resisting the notion that learners are empty vessels who need to be filled with whatever those in power have determined is required for an education. Instead, he enforced the importance of meeting a learner where they are at, recognizing their unique social and cultural norms. This philosophy is the muscle behind Freire’s quote about love and dialogue. Words without action and intention are reduced to information and fillers focused on achieving a desired outcome. Love and dialogue are present-tense verbs, they don’t just happen, both require our full attention. “Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone.”
What about the patron saint? Not growing up in the Catholic tradition, the only time I paid attention to St Valentine was in February as I admired all the sweet cupids, ate an abundance of chocolate, and wondered how this martyred saint would feel about the commercialization of love. Recent study, however, has revealed to me that St. Valentine was actually love in action, taking risks to live out a calling. “Not feeling it” was not in his vocabulary; love doesn’t just appear, “it is re-made all the time.” The people St Valentine served were met where they were at, rather than in trendy wedding venues; and in resistance to the powers that be, St Valentine demonstrated that when someone is living out their calling, they will call those around them to commitment and empowerment. Like Freire, St Valentine was not busy fixing people to fit a mold or expectation, instead he held a space for those people to discover who they were meant to be and what they were called to.
What do we who are in the business of conflict management and people management need to learn from Paola Freire and St Valentine and their approach to love and dialogue?
We can ask ourselves, how often have I approached my interactions with a singular outcome in mind? What small tweak can I make that would change my approach to one of meeting someone where they are at so they can become the best version of themselves? I recognize this requires a posture of humility, the deep belief that each person is the expert in their own life and that I have the privilege of walking alongside them only for a time.
We can think about the difference an attention to love as a verb would make in our approach to work and relationships. How does a muscular love show up in my work environment? My personal life? For me, this means that I am at the point in the Hokey Pokey where I’ve put my whole self in. As a feminist, this is significant to me, and a topic for another day.
What do a revolutionary educational philosopher and a misunderstood saint have in common? They are our reminder that with attention and intention, our interactions, through dialogue and connections, are most meaningful when they are grounded in a place of love–the muscular love that we develop, “made new every day.” Start now with this question (pp) from Richard Rohr: “What is the most loving thing I can do for myself in this moment?”
Happy St Valentine’s Day to you!
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The ADR Learning Institute has an ongoing commitment to meeting learners where they are at, with loving intention and attention.
If you are curious about the term “dialogue,” the table below describes the shift to collaborative problem solving that dialogue invites. Further exploration of this is included in the course Comfort in Conflict.
