When was the last time you apologized? What motivated the apology? Was the apology to sooth your guilt, silence the other person, or just to move on? Or did it come from a place of understanding how your behaviour impacted the other and then it was given for their benefit and the benefit of the relationship?
I am not referring to the “I’m sorry” that Canadians are famous for delivering daily. The “I’m sorry I bumped into you” or “I’m sorry I reached for the same book you were reaching for.” Or the “I’m sorry that I said I’m sorry the same time you were saying it.”. This article is written for those times when you know that an apology is the right thing to do, and you are sick and feeling vulnerable just thinking about doing it. The kind of apologies that eat away at you and rob you of sleep. The ones that come from a place of knowing you have done something that has hurt or potentially hurt another person or your relationship.
While working through a Master of Arts degree in Human Security and Peacebuilding, I researched apologies. The research I conducted was an analysis of the response to apologies made by international leaders who were either apologizing to their own people or to the people of other countries. This little article will not go into those findings, but into the discovery that could be useful to anyone. Whether it is in a workplace or at home. Determining whether you are making an apology or an apologia will provide some insight into the impact it will have.
The research revealed that responses to heartfelt apologies were overwhelmingly healing, brought closure, sometimes forgiveness, and an ability to move forward with the relationship. Responses to an apologia brought anger, dismissal, dismay, resentment and damaged the relationship further.
So, what is the difference? In very simple terms a heartfelt apology comes from a place of truly understanding the hurt your behaviour caused the other person. It also includes a commitment to making things right. An apologia, on the other hand, is made for the benefit of the person ‘apologizing’. It sounds like an apology, but it is made with the intent of getting out of trouble, or to look good, or to silence the other person and end the discussion. An apologia is the absence of understanding, healing, and relationship building.
A participant in our current Mediation Certificate program provided a link to Brene Brown’s Podcast ‘Unlocking Us”, Episode: ‘I’m Sorry: How to Apologize and Why is Matters, Part 1 & Part 2, with Harriet Lerner and Brene Brown. Harriet Lerner’s book on the same topic, and links to the two Podcasts are provided under the Resources heading below.
In Part 1 of the podcast Harriet and Brene discuss the 9 Essential Elements of a Heartfelt Apology. These 9 Essential Elements are:
- A true apology does not include the word ‘but’.
- A true apology keeps the focus on your actions not on the other person’s response and feelings.
- A true apology includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation.
- A true apology does not overdue.
- A true apology does not get caught up in whose most to blame or who started it.
- A true apology requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance.
- A true apology should not be used to silence another person.
- A true apology should not be offered to make you feel better, if it risks making the other person feel worse.
- A true apology does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive.
Now that you have been introduced to the difference between an apology and apologia, you can likely spot the behaviours in this list that would result in the making of an apologia.
During the Podcast they also emphasize the gifts of a heartfelt apology.
These include for the hurt person:
- Release from obsessing and losing sleep.
- creates safety and trust.
- validates the hurt.
- confirms reality.
- and makes sense of feelings.
For the person apologizing:
- a gift to self.
- long term growth and maturity.
- growth in resilience and self respect.
For the relationship:
- strengthens the relationship by building trust that hurts matter and will be addressed.
The two-part Podcast provides much more depth to this topic then what can be covered in this article. If this is a topic of interest to you, taking the time to check out Harriet’s book and Brene’s Podcast featuring Harriet, might provide the answer you are looking for.
Resources
BOOK: Why Wont You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner
Dr. Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies—and why some people won’t give them—for more than two decades. Now she offers compelling stories and solid theory that bring home how much the simple apology matters and what is required for healing when the hurt we’ve inflicted (or received) is far from simple. Readers will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful “I’m sorry” and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury.
PODCAST: Thank you John Freebury for posting links to these two Podcasts on Spotify, in the Mediation Certificate Program Learner’s Exchange Forum.
Part 1: Harriet Lerner and Brene Brown: I’m Sorry; How to Apologize and Why it Matters
Part 2: Harriet Lerner and Brene Brown: I’m Sorry; How to Apologize and Why it Matters
