Is Kindness the Cure for Conflict?

By: Paula Drouin, Founder and Director ADR International Group Inc. and ADR Learning Institute

Kindness has been a foundational element in all our Conflict Resolution courses as a component of the K.E.N. Principle – Kindness, Engagement, and Neutral Mind, which we see as key ingredients to a successful relationship. However, very recently, I realized that showing up in the world as a kind person, not only to others but also to yourself, can be the medicine to prevent conflict and the medicine to cure conflict when it happens.

I’ve always known that the journey to interpersonal conflict resolution is through vulnerability. People will not become vulnerable unless they feel safe. People will never feel safe, and behave in an unguarded way, in a space that is unkind. A space that includes blaming, finger pointing, fault finding, belittling, shunning, etc. That is why conflicts cannot be resolved in that type of environment.

The only way to create a safe space is with kindness to your self and to others. The best way to heal ourselves enough to want to be kind to others, is by being kind to ourselves. Listen to your self-talk, are you kind and gracious to yourself? You may discover that the things you say to yourself are things you would never say out loud to another person.  When we are hurting it is more difficult to hear a perspective different from our own, to be open and express when we feel hurt by something done or said. If we believe we are not enough then often our self-talk is mean spirited and reinforces that false belief and it becomes difficult to be assertive rather than passive or aggressive.

Start with baby steps every day.  Say a kind thing to yourself today and everyday and behave in a kind way to others at least once today. You may find you are kind to others because it is part of your job, or it is the right thing to do. I am challenging you to notice the difference you make in their life in that moment when you are kind, because that is the difference you will make in your own life when you are kind to you. Then build up to saying a couple of kind things to yourself and a couple of kind things to others. Then increase the amount of time each day you spend being kind to yourself and you will naturally, effortlessly be kind to others.

Be your own Valentine! Often we find it easy know what makes our loved ones happy. Take some time today and make a list of what makes you happy. If you were dating you what would the perfect Valentines gift be and give it to yourself.

Happy Valentine’s Day