Author: Paula Drouin in appreciation and memory of Kenneth Newell
“Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild, precious life.” – by Mary Oliver.
This is a quote I saw during a recent holiday. It was hanging on the wall in the dining room and greeted me at every meal. Being in the business of conflict resolution I most often meet people when they are unhappy, disillusioned, dissatisfied, frustrated, and feeling trapped between fight, freeze, flight, tend or befriend. Being in those states can land a person a long way from remembering that they only have this “one wild, precious life”. It can be easy to forget how precious life is when one is confronted with conflict.
It is also easy to forget that we cannot control another. If we are lucky and take the time to learn how we can have control over ourselves. So much of one’s life can be used up trying to change another person. If that same amount of time was spent inspiring change, or being a role model for the change you want to see, or encouraging and supporting the learning curve required to change, or creating a safe space for making mistakes, then there might be a chance to see some of the change you hope for in others.
Being in conflict can be an indication of change, resistance to change, transition, or resistance to transition. Sometimes the words change and transition are used interchangeably. However, they are quite different from each other. Change is the event that creates a shift in how things are. Some examples include getting a new boss, a different job, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one. Transition is the journey from how it was, to how it is going to be. It can also be the journey between who you were in the past to who you will be in the future. Making the most of transitions is how we come to terms with change. The space between letting go and a new beginning can be full of chaos, confusion, emptiness, and disorientation. If we avoid it or give up part way through, then the change doesn’t work. Organizations can be good at making changes, but without proper planning or preparation to move through the transition, those changes are at risk of failing.
According to William Bridges, there are three phases to transitions. There is a letting go; a neutral zone; and a new beginning. Resistance to transition is either resistance to letting go; resistance to the confusion and discomfort of the “neutral” zone; or it is resistance to the uncertainty of the new beginning.
Resistance to letting go:
“Life does not accommodate you, it shatters you…. Every seed destroys its container or else there would be no fruition.” – Florida Scott-Maxwell.
Sometimes new beginnings fail because of a resistance to letting go. If a person resists letting go of the wild, single, party life when they become married, then they are likely to be unsuccessful at the new beginning called marriage or parenthood. In the workplace, I have seen new managers fail because they were not willing to let go of being a co-worker. New managers risk sabotaging their success unless they let go of their way of being as a co-worker and learn how to become who they are as a manager.
Resistance to the neutral zone:
“Even cowards can endure hardship; only the brave can endure suspense.” – Mignon McLaughlin
Resistance to the “neutral zone” is another phase that can cause one to want to give up on change. It is full of fear and suspense. It can be uncomfortable because it is the phase when one doesn’t belong where they were (as a co-worker) or where they are (as a manager). They may feel lonely, lost, and incompetent. Like a stranger in a strange land. This would be the time when they’d question why they ever applied for the new position, and they may start thinking of returning to their old job. However, it is also when the greatest amount of growth happens, if they take advantage of the neutral zone by learning and growing. Using the neutral zone to learn and grow makes it possible to be ready for the next opportunity. When a person wastes their time in the neutral zone, it is unlikely they will even recognize new opportunities when they come along, or they will not be prepared to take advantage of them.
The loss of a loved one can land you in this phase for years. Specific to suffering a loss, it is a time when you know that reality as you knew it no longer exists, and you have no idea what the future looks like. In William Bridges book “the way of transition: embracing life’s most difficult moments, he suggests embracing this phase. One suggestion he makes is to look around your home, office, social settings and take the time to decide what you don’t want to bring into your new beginning. Even though you have no idea what the new beginning will be, you will likely be able to decide what you don’t want in it. What books, furniture, clients, activities, work or acquaintances are you ready to let go of, to make space for whatever new is on the horizon.
Resistance to a new beginning:
“You make what seems a simple choice: Choose a man or a job or a neighborhood – what you have chosen is not a man or a job or a neighborhood, but a life.” – Jessamyn West
Resisting new beginnings can also sabotage change. New beginnings are ripe with uncertainty and our brains love certainty. There may be some anxiety, especially if you didn’t use the neutral zone to learn and grow. What did not exist before has arrived, embracing it, and making the most of it will reduce your workload and make space for some joy in your life. Working in the present while wishing it were something different, can be exhausting. Simply be fully present in the present.
So ……………….“Tell me what it is you plan to do with your one, wild, precious life.”
Learning to overcome fear is an important life lesson. Change and transitions are full of fear. It is why the recommended Ted Talk is on “Turning Fear into Fuel”. It is an older Ted Talk, but still relevant. Click here to listen.
Recommended Reads on Loss and Transition
- The way of transition; embracing life’s most difficult moments, by William Bridges
- Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant
