Author: Paula Drouin, Founder ADR Learning Institute
“Conflict is the Pathway to Intimacy”, said author Carl Whitaker, a famous family therapist.[1] This is a saying I heard decades ago, and have been using as a stimulus for discussion in various workshops.
Do you agree or disagree? Some think the statement would be more accurate if it read, “intimacy is the pathway to conflict”. Both are probably true and answering which comes first would be like trying to answer the chicken or the egg question. In this article, the word intimacy refers to really knowing someone. What makes them tick? What’s important to them? What motivates them?
What I am fully cognizant of, is the fact that avoiding conflict in relationships can damage the relationship. An attempt to stay in the “honeymoon” stage, does not allow people to get to know each other very well? How deeply will they trust each other? How will they know if they can count on the other person? It is through the conflict resolution journey that people get to know themselves and their partner better. In order to resolve conflicts, both people must reveal their perspective and sometimes their values, in order for the other person to understand them. And both need to listen to understand, not just wait their turn to speak. Otherwise, both people will talk over each other in an attempt to feel heard, or to get their way.
Conflict that is not avoided, but results in mean spirited arguments where one person is attempting to control or change the other, will also damage relationships. The time spent trying to change another person is directly related to the time spent in debilitating conflict. Depending on your role in another’s life, you may have some influence over how they see themselves, which may lead them to consider your words. However, each of us can only control our own thinking and behaviour, we really have no control over another person.
So if avoiding conflict or arguing ‘till death do us part’ is not the way to intimacy, then what is? Besides learning how to effectively resolve conflicts, making a commitment to be kind in word and deed with each other, would be a start. There are also tools that could provide learning and prevent conflict. Two of those are:
-
Learning how to give feedback with care and concern.
-
Learning how to receive feedback as information.
Knowing how to give and receive feedback can prevent conflicts, and can strengthen relationships. There are many courses on how to give feedback, but significantly fewer on how to receive it. Successfully giving feedback requires an attitude of caring. Feedback given for the benefit of the giver, will likely fall on deaf ears and may cause harm. When given for the benefit of the receiver, there is a chance it will be heard and considered. The receiver has all the power. They have the power to decide if they are going to dismiss or consider the feedback. The giver simply has the power to craft the message in a way that increases the chances of it being received.
In the TED TALK recommended section of our February newsletter, there is a link to a talk by Sheila Heen called “How to use others feedback to learn and grow.” She speaks about how feedback sits at the crossroads of “our need to learn and grow, and our need to be accepted and respected the way we are now.” After many years of teaching how to give feedback, she and her colleagues have shifted their focus on teaching how to receive it. They see receiving as a skill that can be learned, and if learned then it doesn’t matter who is giving the feedback, or how skilled or unskilled they are, learning can still be available to you. It is a worthwhile way to spend twenty minutes if you want to learn from feedback.
In any relationship, the growth of one person can create growth in the relationship.
Link to Ted Talk with Sheila Heen https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=sheila+heen+ted+talk&view=detail&mid=166A7AABF7A400B87BB6166A7AABF7A400B87BB6&FORM=VIRE
[1] https://drbertpitts.com/wp/communicating-about-conflict-in-intimate-relationships/
